Admit it: you’re a snob. An intellectual snob.
Just like me.
You’re a hardcore reader who curls her lip at Harry Potter books. American Idol makes your stomach churn. And you tend to spend your time on ideas and projects devoid of practical value. . .but replete with entertaining possibilities.
If so, then yes. . .you are an intellectual snob. [Most writers are.]
It’s okay. We still love you.
What Is an Intellectual Snob?
An intellectual snob is not defined by income, class, or sex. An intellectual snob is defined by superior thoughts, words and deeds.
Relish it. [I do.]
But although flaunting and mocking, this raunchy upper-crust sensibility does have its softer side.
101 to be exact. Possibly more. That’s where you come in.
After you’ve scanned this list, leave your own example of the pleasure [and pain] asserting your ascendancy over your friends and family’s caused you.
Trust me: It’ll be cathartic.
Now. . .step up for big dividends in the giddy heights of snobbish mockery.
101 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Are an Intellectual Snob
1. You get giddy when you realize you are not a low-brow.
2. You choke on your own spit when offered a ride in a dualie.
3. You are shocked to learn that non-intellectuals don’t actually sleep with their sisters.
4. You get all bent out of shape when someone says they read 100 books last year. Now, you have to read 101 this year.
5. Snobs aren’t easy to buy for. Especially clothes. [You’ll see why in a minute.]
6. Reclining in the college library reading Baudelaire aloud labels you. And that makes you blush.
7. Experience unexpected and protracted mental engagements in the search for a superior moral justification for intellectual snobbishness while in the bathroom.
8. People ask you boring questions like, “What were you doing in the bathroom for so long?”
9. People avoid you because you give rude answers.
10. You involuntarily sneer when someone says something stupid.
11. Involuntarily vomit when someone says, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”
12. You own the same set of clothes for the last six years.
13. You don’t care that you own the same set of clothes for the last six years.
14. You can have a set of clothing for everyday of the week. . .like a uniform.
15. You read everything. Especially when people are talking to you.
16. You throw vicious fits when someone doesn’t understand what you say.
17. You throw vicious fits when someone criticises you for mumbling.
18. People misunderstand you all the time. For example, you cruise blogs and whip off comments that make you seem like a curmudgeon even though all you’re doing is making jest with a good heart. Get it?
19. Can experience rage and jubilation over the same statement. Depending on who said it. [See no. 100.]
20. You don’t have a lick of common sense.
21. Couldn’t balance a check book to save your life.
22. Your spouse wants to vomit every time you string the words “intellectual” and “snob” in the same sentence.
23. Intellectual snobbery makes for a bad love life. [See no. 22.]
24. Involuntarily shriek when you watch Oprah.
25. Don’t realize how impolite it was to applaud when Jonathan Frazen rejected Oprah’s Book Club.
27. Party-goers usually see your nose in a book during festivities as a vicious, personal attack on their character. [It’s not. Entirely.]
28. Non-intellectual snobs don’t trust you.
29. Forget trying to find your car keys. . .where’s your car?
30. Unintentional, violent laughter when someone says they were reading Reader’s Digest. “Reading, really?”
31. You play chess by yourself. All the time.
32. Hurt awfully bad when friends reject your overtures to play a round of sudoku.
33. Women giggle when you mention you want to be a member of Mensa.
34. You butcher the more prestigious words in the English language because pronunciation isn’t nearly as important as simply knowing a big word.
35. Your spouse vomits when you butcher a prestigious word in the English language.
36. Generally ignored at dinner parties. [And by Mensa. Which hurts. Bad.]
37. No one to share your obsession for the encyclopedia with.
38. Most people don’t consider knowing who the last 8 Nobel Prize in Literature winners important.
39. Been accused of wanting to be a transvestite because you want to join Mensa.
40. Saying Hieronomyous Bosch was the best Flemish painter who ever lived at a Nascar event usually gets you killed.
41. Regarding madness as a virtue sours your relationship with your psychiatrist. All 37 of them.
43. Simple tasks become enormous mind jobs because you’re incapable of seeing at that level. [The practical level, that is.]
44. Your worst nightmare is that someone will call you stupid. You couldn’t bear it. At all.
45. Saying you’re “in a state” after drinking a bottle of porter isn’t funny to anyone. Including your spouse.
46. Said spouse vomits when you make these bad jokes.
47. Considers the use of the word “verbage” an impeachable offense.
48. Madly in love with reversible, monogrammed, stripe-motif smoking jackets when everyone else isn’t.
49. Often confuses the doctrine of predestination and its baggage to mean that you are chosen to be smarter than most people.
50. Go nuts in a bad way when you meet people even marginally smarter than you.
51. Are alone. A lot.
53. Constantly tweaking your list of “top 10 books every child should read before bedtime” during dinner.
54. Bewildered by fashion creeds like “socks must match your pants.”
55. Don’t understand your spouse’s resistance to giving Dante’s Inferno to your 7-year-old daughter.
56. Tormented by your secret love for Enid Blyton books.
57. Can’t sleep at night when you discover that someone with brains doing the unthinkable: watching Big Brother.
58. You unexpectedly insult family when you comment about their slide into stupidity.
59. Flesh ripples in a good way when someone calls you a condescending snit.
60. Has to be constantly reminded that “white trash” is a bad word.
61. Are poor.
63. Rickety and temperamental relationship with money: “I hate it when I got it. I hate it when I don’t.”
64. Your spouse vomits when you say, “I hate money.”
65. Easily embarrassed by Bette Midler and Barbra Streisand.
66. Easily embarrassed by MTV videos of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?“
67. Carelessly lumped in with the likes of Hillary Clinton and Lizzie Grubman.
68. You didn’t realize people would get up in arms over a little book burning.
69. The Shack? Really.
70. Can’t shake the view that heaven is an endless library. . .and hell a tiny library full of endless airbags.
71. Capable of carrying around the same $10 bill for weeks on end.
72. Seized with anxiety when standing in front of a pair of $14 jeans.
73. Buyer’s remorse looms for days on small purchases. Lasts weeks on larger purchases. . .like a microwave.
74. “Look! My jeans are fine. They do their job–covering my legs. Who cares that they’re faded and paper-thin?”
75. Thinks re-working the same seventeen lines of a poem forty times a legitimate way to relax.
76. Partial to words like “abrogate,” “derogate” and “abdicate.”
77. Gets a sick, enslaving kick out of watching the mental gymnastics necessary for people to comprehend abrogate, derogate and abdicate.
78. Heavy reliance on phrases like “without a brain.”
79. Dates with your beloved are punctuated with moments where you suddenly put down your knife and fork, gasp, strike your head with my hand, lean forward and say, “Honey, I think I’ve just had an afflatus!”
80. Fond of near-crippling psychological disorders. In other people.
81. Find it impossible to enjoy a good weepie like Australia.
82. Finds a movie like Wall-E unrealistic and absurd and impossible to believe. Yet, funny.
83. Doesn’t get a lot support in your theory that sports are merely an outlet for intelligent people to behave like brainless people. [See no. 78]
84. Supports the idea that the habit of getting excited and screaming for no good reason creates a momentary bubble of ignorance.
85. You have a weakness for irrationality.
86. Once caught in a bikers’ rally wearing a bow tie. [All I did was walk out of the St. Louis Art museum.]
87. Habit of weeping in non-sentimental environments like the barber’s.
88. Will support universal health care only if it involves free haircuts.
89. Hyper interested in learning words you’ve never heard of and using them in ways that will gorgonize your friends beyond measure.
90. One day tried to teach a vulture how to sing “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” [How do you think I come up with my big ideas, eh?]
91. Knew this intellectual snobbery thing wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be when you spent half a night at a party talking to Nurse Bob about the unbearable lightness of being.
92. Encourages his children to use obscure. . .sometimes preposterous. . .words for no other purpose than to confuse their peers.
93. Visibly appalled at linguistic deformities like “breffus” and “lassitive.”
94. Had a bleaker understanding of human nature and fewer friends after reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
95. Wonders why more people don’t consider watching small-minded people trapped inside a retail store entertainment.
96. Still doesn’t know why Nick Hornsby got so excited when you offered to come along for the ride. The ride being the travail that is Nick taking his autistic son to the park.
97. You make enemies faster than you make friends. [See no. 94. Or 95. Or 98.]
98. Not encouraged–at all–in your dreams to engineer a situation in which you could call someone an “impotent, conceited, obscene, hairy-buttocked toad.”
99. Has a murdeously uphill battle convincing people that there isn’t much difference between visiting a morgue and visiting a state college.
100. Mildly amused when someone calls you a repellant, smarmy, wooden-headed contrarian. Contrarian being the operative word.
101. Are alone. A lot.
Don’t be shy. I know that humility is nothing more than a disguise for an enormous ego bristling to demonstrate its superiority.
Flaunt away. I did.